My Promise

Every time, she leaves me whether it's to go to school or to visit her father, I always promise her. "I will come back. Mommy will always be here for you."

It's that promise that keeps me alive today. Because I swear, I want out.

Who Am I?

That is the question, my mom has challenged me to answer. You think it would come easy. I am this or I am that, but I find myself staring at a blank page with no real answer.

Random

"I am supposed to pick 12 women whom I think would want to participate. I think that if this group of women were ever to be in a room together, there is nothing that would be impossible. I hope I chose the right twelve. I hope my hugs, love, gestures and communications remind you how special you are. Please send this back to me.

Remember to make a wish before you read the quotation. That's all you have to do. There is nothing attached. Just send this to twelve women and let me know what happens on the fourth day. Sorry you have to forward the message, but try not to break this, please. Did you make a wish yet? If you don't make a wish, it won't come true. This is your last chance to make a wish!

'May today there be peace within. May you trust that you are exactly where you are meant to be. May you not forget the infinite possibilities that are born of faith in yourself and others. May you use the gifts that you have received, and pass on the love that has been given to you. May you be content with yourself just the way you are. Let this knowledge settle into your bones, and allow your soul the freedom to sing, dance, praise and love. It is there for each and every one of us.'
Now, send this to 12 women within the next 15 minutes. And remember to send this back. I count as 1... you'll see why.
Suggestion: copy and paste rather than forwarding it."

Dance With Me Mommy

The friend you would like to depend on has as usual let you down again. Your wisdom tooth broke and somehow, you have to come up with the money to have it and three others removed. It’s another day of feeling like God hates you and the world is collapsing on top of you.


Then there is that moment. The theme song to Elmo’s World is playing the background, and she comes up to me, her hands open wide.

“Dance mommy, Dance,” she asks.

I can’t help but smile. These big brown eyes are so beautiful and so hopeful.

I take her little hands in mines, and together our legs rock back and forth. We are locked in a moment. My eyes are fixed on hers and hers on mines. We smile, giggle and laugh.

The dance ends in hugs and kisses.

It’s a perfect day after all.

Little Moments

I sit beside her on the sofa. We are watching Elmo's World while she is eating dinner. She is exhausted from a day of Valentine partying at school, but refuses to go to bed before her designated hour.

Dinner is chicken nuggets and green peas. I chuckle as I watch her diligently separate the peas from the chicken. I don't know where she got that from. Certainly not me, I mix it all together and her father? Nope, he isn't like that either, but this little person is very serious that her food should not touch – yet another way she reminds me of how much of an individual she is.

In the past year as I watch her learn to walk, talk and communicate, I grow even more fascinated by the person she is becoming – confident with no fear.

I am not sure where I meant to go with this. It's just a little moment with her.

The Leap

"The jump is so frightening between where I am and where I want to be...because of all I may become I will close my eyes and leap!"
Author: Mary Anne Radmacher


I need to believe that more than ever today. There is some lesson in all this madness. I just have to find it and learn from it.

I am not dead

I am just…I don't have a word for it. Some days, I wake up delighted to take on the day, to seek out whatever new challenge there is. I am excited to be going to school to learning something new. Then on other days, just getting up is a chore. My motivation is lacking and all I want to do is sleep.

It's not depression really. It's honestly something I can't define. I just know that lately I am watching the seconds of my life tick away faster than I can keep up with. It is just a strange zone, abut will update more often. I promise.

The question

About six months ago, a friend asked if I could look ahead would I have still chosen to have a baby with this man.

My answer was resounding yes. "How could I ever regret her?"

Now, after the last couple of days. I find myself asking the exact same question and it's not a resounding yes anymore. It is: "I don't know."

Isn't that sad. I have the most amazing child in the world and the answer is "I don't know."