Who Am I?

That is the question, my mom has challenged me to answer. You think it would come easy. I am this or I am that, but I find myself staring at a blank page with no real answer.

Little Moments

I sit beside her on the sofa. We are watching Elmo's World while she is eating dinner. She is exhausted from a day of Valentine partying at school, but refuses to go to bed before her designated hour.

Dinner is chicken nuggets and green peas. I chuckle as I watch her diligently separate the peas from the chicken. I don't know where she got that from. Certainly not me, I mix it all together and her father? Nope, he isn't like that either, but this little person is very serious that her food should not touch – yet another way she reminds me of how much of an individual she is.

In the past year as I watch her learn to walk, talk and communicate, I grow even more fascinated by the person she is becoming – confident with no fear.

I am not sure where I meant to go with this. It's just a little moment with her.

I am not dead

I am just…I don't have a word for it. Some days, I wake up delighted to take on the day, to seek out whatever new challenge there is. I am excited to be going to school to learning something new. Then on other days, just getting up is a chore. My motivation is lacking and all I want to do is sleep.

It's not depression really. It's honestly something I can't define. I just know that lately I am watching the seconds of my life tick away faster than I can keep up with. It is just a strange zone, abut will update more often. I promise.

One Day at a Time

I took some positive steps today. I hope that means the “happy pills” are kicking in. I actually got off the sofa and cleaned the house. Tonight for the first time in almost three weeks, I will be sleeping in my bed.

Tomorrow, I will talk to a professor about whether the program his school offers would be a good match for me. I am contemplating taking my writing and journalist skills into the digital world with a Masters in Digital Media. I actually get excited when I contemplate this prospect. I see possibilities with it.

Not so much with the job hunt. I came across two horror stories today that just fill me with dread.

One is a coworker who was laid off in June 2008, and she still hasn’t found a job. She is ready to give up. The other was a comment a perfect strange made in the supermarket.

I was there with the woman I consider the baby’s second mother, when she bumped into an old friend.

It was a casual question: “Are you still doing the medical thing?”

The stranger shook her head: “Nope, there were just no jobs. I took what I could. There were just no jobs anywhere.”

That is when everything inside me turns cold with fear. It’s the same thing I hear over and over again – no jobs.

But then there are stories like the one of another coworker who was laid off the same time as me. Within a week she had a new job.

Couldn’t I be one those lucky ones? Just this one time couldn’t I be? I am seriously trying not to stress it as I continue to send out resumes and look over job boards.

Right now I am looking at things like this. I made it through today. Tomorrow is yet to come, so just take it one day at time.