Sigh

It's funny how when times are rough, the friends that are suppose to be there never are. You are suddenly the bad person, that thing they must avoid, but that's ok, I will survive them and be stronger for it.
I have to come to realize that I will ALWAYS survive. I will move beyond them. This is my promise to me.

My Promise

Every time, she leaves me whether it's to go to school or to visit her father, I always promise her. "I will come back. Mommy will always be here for you."

It's that promise that keeps me alive today. Because I swear, I want out.

Who Am I?

That is the question, my mom has challenged me to answer. You think it would come easy. I am this or I am that, but I find myself staring at a blank page with no real answer.

Stupid me

From the beginning this man has been nothing but hurt, so why now that it's over, I am in pain, crying hurting. I did so much forgive, that I forgot to let go, now I have to finally let go. It's a good thing I know. I know I will heal, but right now I hurt.

Let Me Let Go

I don't get it. The hell this man has put me throw. The pain he caused me, and now he has found new love and it hurts like hell. I should be celebrating. I should be dancing, yet I sit at home crying.

I thought I had let him go. I really did, but this news has made it very clear that I haven't, so God, you haven't heard much of my prayers lately, but I am down on my knees with this one -- Let Me Let go. Please, let me let go.

I am Fine

Everyday, I get the question -- how are you doing?
I want to say:

1. I have a broken heart.
2. I am lonely
3. I feel like I am being constantly punished.
4. I hurt.
5. I am broke.
6. I am depressed.
7. I am lost.
8. I don't understand why God has forsaken me.
9. Some days, I want to lay down and die.
10. Some days, all I can do is cry.
11. I still love him.
12. I also hate him
13. I feel like a failure as a person.
14. Sometimes, I wonder if I am such a bad person that God feels like he must keep punishing me over and over again.
15. Sometimes, I would love a simple second without pain or worry.
16. I long for peace.

But each and every time, I am asked how are you? I plaster on my most perfected fake smile and say, " I am fine."

To say anything else would be saying too much.