My Promise

Every time, she leaves me whether it's to go to school or to visit her father, I always promise her. "I will come back. Mommy will always be here for you."

It's that promise that keeps me alive today. Because I swear, I want out.

Let Me Let Go

I don't get it. The hell this man has put me throw. The pain he caused me, and now he has found new love and it hurts like hell. I should be celebrating. I should be dancing, yet I sit at home crying.

I thought I had let him go. I really did, but this news has made it very clear that I haven't, so God, you haven't heard much of my prayers lately, but I am down on my knees with this one -- Let Me Let go. Please, let me let go.

Dance With Me Mommy

The friend you would like to depend on has as usual let you down again. Your wisdom tooth broke and somehow, you have to come up with the money to have it and three others removed. It’s another day of feeling like God hates you and the world is collapsing on top of you.


Then there is that moment. The theme song to Elmo’s World is playing the background, and she comes up to me, her hands open wide.

“Dance mommy, Dance,” she asks.

I can’t help but smile. These big brown eyes are so beautiful and so hopeful.

I take her little hands in mines, and together our legs rock back and forth. We are locked in a moment. My eyes are fixed on hers and hers on mines. We smile, giggle and laugh.

The dance ends in hugs and kisses.

It’s a perfect day after all.

The Leap

"The jump is so frightening between where I am and where I want to be...because of all I may become I will close my eyes and leap!"
Author: Mary Anne Radmacher


I need to believe that more than ever today. There is some lesson in all this madness. I just have to find it and learn from it.

Faith where are you?

I wake up exhausted and getting through the day wears me out. It‘s like I took a wrong turn somewhere and can’t seem to get back on the right path.

If I am honest with myself it is about money. I have some major financial issue coming up – decision about the mortgage and whether or not the state will continue to assist me with child care. I have been living with the uncertainty for so long; you think I would be use to it by now. But no -- it’s eating away at me. I want answers now so I can start planning. I also think part of the frustration is that now instead of waiting 6 to 9 months for answers – that was far away -- off in the distance. I now only have a month and a half. It’s so close. It’s like the closer it gets the more anxious I get.

The last six months have been good – financial. Despite the challenges we somehow survived, and I want to believe that whatever the decisions we will survive still, but it is so hard. I am overcome with the what ifs. What if the state says I make too much and I have to pay full price for daycare? That is $500 a month – where do I find that. What if…?

Faith – I need to have faith

Ready to Snap

Maybe it has something to do with half the electricity in my house dying at 2 a.m. this morning. One minute I was fast asleep listening to her on the baby monitor, the next it was dead silence. I jumped out of bed and looked on the monitor. It was working, but I couldn’t hear her. I rushed into her room and flip the switch to turn on the light – nothing.

At that time, I also noticed the AC was dead; everything on that side of the house was dead. I got a flashlight. First, I checked her, still breathing and still sleeping – good. I flip the circuit breaker, nothing. The lights, the AC, nothing – at last on that side of the house.

“There is nothing you can do,” I told myself. “Go back to bed, deal with it tomorrow.”

The problem was I laid there and couldn’t close my eyes. I couldn’t get my mind to stop racing through the possibility – electrical rewiring, the AC blew, or maybe both – with each thought I saw money on wings flying out the window.

I called my sister, and her husband. He rambled on about how it could be up to $4,000to rewire a house. That didn’t help. I went on the web to do some research. It didn’t help.

By 7 a.m. I am in tears and on the phone with my mom. “I can’t take anymore. It’s the money. I have no money left. More is going out than coming in. No more, no more,” I cried.

She calm me down and reminded me of what is important – the beautiful little one who by now was wake and making her demands. She suggested we make it McDonald’s morning, but first call the power company maybe it was something on their end.

I took her advice halfheartedly. After all giving my luck lately it couldn’t be the power company. It had to be something bigger, something more dramatic. My frantic mind demanded that. Thank the Lord, my frantic mind didn’t rule today. It was the power company issue – a fault neutral in the meter.

By the end of the day, the issue was fixed, but I haven’t been fixed. I am cranky, unhappy, worried and stressed out. It could be court date coming up. It could be the lack of sleep. It could just be life.