Duice

My little one and I battle over her drinking water. She has become a juice addict and would rather that over water any day. I, on the other hand, plan to break that habit. Right now she gets juice once a day, and water throughout the day.

This morning, after breakfast and drinking a cup and half of soy milk, she looks at me and goes “duice”

I walk over to the fridge, pour out water and give her the cup. The little bugger wouldn’t take it. “duice,” she insisted.

So a little part of me decided to experiment, I picked up the bottle of grape juice and pretended to pour it into the cup.

I handed it to her and this time -- she took it. I couldn't believe it. My little one knows the difference between the water bottle and the juice bottle.

Of course the game was up when, she tasted it and discovered it was still water. Can you say temper tantrum?

Me vs. Normal

Here is the thing about me; I am just a little bit touched. That’s how I like to describe it – just a little bit touched. Isn’t that better than saying I am slightly insane or that I suffer from chronic depression. Over the years I have develop ways to cope, to appear like one of the normals.

However, when shit happens I can’t keep up that façade. I need to withdraw from public light. I basically go into isolation. I don’t answer phone calls. I talk to no one. I see no one. It’s just me and all my crazy thoughts, going around and around in my head until finally they make sense. Only then do I emerge and let friends in.

I understand that other people do it differently. Normal people function differently. They let their friends in. They talk it out with friends. I can’t, not until I have some basic foundation to stand on.

I did that last week when I lost the job. I withdrew, turned off the phone, didn’t return phone calls. It was just me and the baby. I took pleasure in just watching her, while my thoughts tried to center themselves, to find some hope for the future.
Now according to one of my normal friends, I am rude hypocrite for doing that.

I know where she is coming from. She copes the normal way. For her that means talking to friend or at least a text that says, “I’m ok.” For that reason, I apologize to her. It seems that isn’t enough, and it’s precisely the reason I avoid friendships with people I consider normal.

If you aren’t a little bit touch in some way, then you aren’t going to understand how I cope. You are going to get upset, get offended and take it personally. You are going to tell me I am wrong that I need a better way to cope.

Then, I am just going to quietly back away from you because I have tried it the normal way and the pressure of trying to keep up the façade inevitable leads to me cracking, and I literally end up in the nuthouse. I have learnt that before I can deal with anyone, I have to deal with me, and unfortunately that means a withdrawal from the world.

My friends that are a bit touch get this. When I am in isolation, they will text, send me little words of hope, but don’t take offense that I don’t answer them. They wait for me to come to them, and welcome me with open arms when I do. The flipside is I have to deal with them when they get their little touch epos ides. However, like them, it’s always an open harm welcome when we emerge.

The point of this whole ramble is that I have lost a friend, in addition to a job – sigh. I need to stick to my own rules. Don’t ever become friend with a normal, no matter how nice they are. Why because it’s inevitable that when I sink into isolation they will get piss, and I will lose a friend when I am at my vulnerable point.

Dear God

Every night I go to bed, I utter the same pray to you: “Help me provide for her.”
When I was pregnant it was: “Help me provide for this new life.”

Instead, the pregnancy became complicated and I was put on three months of bed rest. Suddenly, my paycheck was cut in half. The mortgage grew and the bills piled up. In the end, I fell behind on the mortgage and now the house is in foreclosure.
She came and I got back to work. Income was coming in, but it wasn’t enough – not with daycare payments. That was a second mortgage. Then her father started the custody to avoid paying child support.

I wipe out my 401k. Half goes toward a lawyer for the baby and the other for a lawyer for the house. Now it looks like the house will be saved, but today, I lost my job. I can’t pay a mortgage now, even a reduced one. I was one of 50 laid off in what was the third round of cuts in a year and half. Hey, I was lucky to survive a year.

So tonight as I do every night, I will pray from the very depth of my soul. “Dear God, please help me provide for her.”

But looking at how the last year and half as gone, I don’t think he is listening.

Faith where are you?

I wake up exhausted and getting through the day wears me out. It‘s like I took a wrong turn somewhere and can’t seem to get back on the right path.

If I am honest with myself it is about money. I have some major financial issue coming up – decision about the mortgage and whether or not the state will continue to assist me with child care. I have been living with the uncertainty for so long; you think I would be use to it by now. But no -- it’s eating away at me. I want answers now so I can start planning. I also think part of the frustration is that now instead of waiting 6 to 9 months for answers – that was far away -- off in the distance. I now only have a month and a half. It’s so close. It’s like the closer it gets the more anxious I get.

The last six months have been good – financial. Despite the challenges we somehow survived, and I want to believe that whatever the decisions we will survive still, but it is so hard. I am overcome with the what ifs. What if the state says I make too much and I have to pay full price for daycare? That is $500 a month – where do I find that. What if…?

Faith – I need to have faith

The Fish War

I am trying to introduce her to fish, but it's not going so well.

First I decided to steam it. I wrapped a tilapia fillet in foil with green peppers, red peppers, onion, garlic, tomato and let it cook in its own juice. The end result was total and utter rejection of my efforts. She picked it up, put it in her mouth and spit it out.

She ate the tomatoes and the green and red peppers, but the fish, she wouldn’t even touch it, and any foods near it, she pushed away.

Today, I made a second attempt. Last night, I did another tilapia fillet. This time, I coated it in bread crumbs seasoned with lemon grinds, basil, garlic and parmesan cheese and baked it. The cookbook for toddlers swears babies would love it. It’s basically a fancy form of fish sticks, which she hates also.

Anyways for dinner, I paired it with peas. Well guess what she is eating now. I will tell you it’s not the fish. Again, took a bite and spit it out.

Battle two has been lost, but I swear I will not lose the war. Next week, I will have to rethink another way to make fish appealing to her. I am open to suggestions. Anyone have a good recipe or type of fish that just may be appealing to a toddler?

Woohoo it's over.

Today, I will leave work, head over to my lawyer’s office and sign on the dotted line. Her father and I came to an agreement – no more custody battle, at least for now. Right before the schedule hearing, he said he would sign the proposed paternity settlement agreement. I have his stinginess to thank there. He, honestly, didn’t want to pay his lawyer more money for a court hearing, so he decided to settle instead.

Granted, I took a big financial bite because my compromise is to give him until January to pay child support, and he doesn’t get to pay $500 in left over medical bills. Somehow, I am going to have to survive. Pray for me.

As for the medical bills, I didn’t think it would be a big deal because well I figured with the money I saved from the attorney, I could put toward the bills. I had owed the attorney at $1250 refresher fee for upcoming work involving the hearing and any other upcoming issues.

I thought with no hearing, there would be reduction in the law fees. It’s an easy assumption right? Well today got a letter from them. My new fee – with no hearing – is a lovely $1000. In their words: “This payment will cover your balance due as well as fees and costs for upcoming work.”

However, “ In the event of a credit balance remaining after all work is complete, we will issue a refund to you for such amount.” I will not hold my breath.

But hey it’s over – at least for now – woohoo. Hopefully, the next time he decides to sue for custody I will be richer. I also had a clause put in that said should there be another lawsuit, the loser will be responsible for the other person's attorney fees. Trust me when I say I will not lose.

But for now join me in saying, "Woohoo it's over."

Ready to Snap

Maybe it has something to do with half the electricity in my house dying at 2 a.m. this morning. One minute I was fast asleep listening to her on the baby monitor, the next it was dead silence. I jumped out of bed and looked on the monitor. It was working, but I couldn’t hear her. I rushed into her room and flip the switch to turn on the light – nothing.

At that time, I also noticed the AC was dead; everything on that side of the house was dead. I got a flashlight. First, I checked her, still breathing and still sleeping – good. I flip the circuit breaker, nothing. The lights, the AC, nothing – at last on that side of the house.

“There is nothing you can do,” I told myself. “Go back to bed, deal with it tomorrow.”

The problem was I laid there and couldn’t close my eyes. I couldn’t get my mind to stop racing through the possibility – electrical rewiring, the AC blew, or maybe both – with each thought I saw money on wings flying out the window.

I called my sister, and her husband. He rambled on about how it could be up to $4,000to rewire a house. That didn’t help. I went on the web to do some research. It didn’t help.

By 7 a.m. I am in tears and on the phone with my mom. “I can’t take anymore. It’s the money. I have no money left. More is going out than coming in. No more, no more,” I cried.

She calm me down and reminded me of what is important – the beautiful little one who by now was wake and making her demands. She suggested we make it McDonald’s morning, but first call the power company maybe it was something on their end.

I took her advice halfheartedly. After all giving my luck lately it couldn’t be the power company. It had to be something bigger, something more dramatic. My frantic mind demanded that. Thank the Lord, my frantic mind didn’t rule today. It was the power company issue – a fault neutral in the meter.

By the end of the day, the issue was fixed, but I haven’t been fixed. I am cranky, unhappy, worried and stressed out. It could be court date coming up. It could be the lack of sleep. It could just be life.